Dear Jason: How do I forgive someone who never said sorry?

Dear Offended,

You’ve just asked one of the hardest—and most important—questions of the human experience. Forgiving someone who never apologized feels like giving a gift they don’t deserve. And in some ways, you’re right. Forgiveness is a gift. But here’s the catch: it’s not a gift for them—it’s a gift for you.

Let’s start by clarifying what forgiveness is not. It’s not saying, “It’s ok, don’t worry about it.” That kind of brushing off pretends there was no harm, no wrong. That’s not forgiveness; that’s denial. Real forgiveness begins with telling the truth: “What you did was wrong. It hurt me.” And yet, it continues with a bold internal decision: “But I’m choosing to no longer hold it against you.” That’s what forgiveness is—release.

When we withhold forgiveness, we usually think we’re punishing the other person. But in truth, we’re drinking poison and hoping they get sick. Resentment slowly erodes your peace, not theirs. And if they’re not even aware of your pain, or worse, don’t care, then your grudge becomes a prison of your own making.

Forgiveness is not a feeling. If you wait until you feel like forgiving, you’ll wait forever. It’s a choice you make with your will—a daily one, not a one-time emotional breakthrough. Feelings will follow that choice eventually, but only if you start walking the path first.

And yes, there’s a world of difference between forgiving someone who is genuinely sorry and someone who maintains their innocence or disappears from your life. When someone says, “I’m sorry,” it brings relief. It puts them on your side of the truth. They’re agreeing with you that a wrong happened. But when there’s no apology, no closure, it can feel like the pain is ongoing. And in some ways, it is.

That’s why forgiveness in these cases requires even more strength. You must let go without ever getting the satisfaction of justice or acknowledgment. You release the other person from your contempt, not because they’ve earned it, but because you’re tired of carrying the weight.

Still struggling? Here’s one more thought: think about how much you’ve been forgiven. Not in a vague, theoretical sense—but really think about times when you got it wrong, when you needed grace. This shift in perspective doesn’t erase what others have done, but it does dismount us from our high horse. We’ve all needed forgiveness. We’ll need it again.

So, what now? Make the decision to forgive. Say it out loud if you must: “I release them.” Ask for help if you need it—from a friend, a counselor, or God Himself. Do it again tomorrow. And the next day. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past, but it does untangle you from it.

You’re not letting them off the hook. You’re setting yourself free.
Warmly, Jason

Lowcountry native, husband, and dad to two teenage daughters. Jason Smith is Pastor of NewSpring Church’s Bluffton campus, passionate about faith, family, and connection. jason.smith@newspring.cc