Nobody likes a quitter anyway
By Tracy Winslow
Contributor
New Year’s Resolutions: People make them. And most people break them within three weeks into January. I am no exception.
In years past I have: declared war on my weight, attempted to have my sweet tooth removed by the dentist, and curb my love of a well-placed F-bomb. And I have FAILED EVERY TIME. But this year is going to be different. This is the year I am making the change in myself that I wish to see in others: I will not judge you.
Because I admit it. I am judging you. Yup, judging so hard. Not about your need to tell everyone about the mole on your neck that looks like Richard Gere, or why you think it’s a good idea to give your child a name that will make them the butt of jokes until they die. Nope. I am judging your grammar and spelling. I can’t help it; it’s how I’m wired.
I teach grammar to high school and college students. I watch videos on diacritical marks for fun. I drone on and on about weak vowels and how they drop off into a schwa. Apparently, I have what some unnamed people, whose initials are my children and my husband, think is an unhealthy obsession with language rules. They have asked me “Where’d you get your obsession from?” To which I clearly responded “Don’t end your sentence with a preposition. Have I taught you nothing?” It’s weird they think I’m the one with the problem.
Listen, I don’t mean to point out every misspelled item on the menu, but my eyes are just drawn to the horror show unfolding in black and white. They taunt me with a cruelness that is restraining order-worthy. Or how about the fact that people have no idea how to properly whip out an apostrophe? I mean, for the love of all that is holy, you can’t just haphazardly slap them onto a word and make a conjunction.
And don’t get me started about…wait. This is not the time for another soap box rant about punctuation. I should reflect about improvement on the only person’s* behavior I can control; mine. (*Proper use of a possessive apostrophe, in case anyone is taking notes.)
So, I’m resolving to be more tolerant of stupid people. Ok, that’s not very tolerant. Start again: In 2025 I will be less judgmental of people’s grammatical foibles. See? So much kinder with lovelier language.
And, so far on this January 1, 2025, morning I have kept this resolution. I watched the news without getting fired up about the terrible injustice committed against the written language on the screen. Spelling error after spelling error assaulted my eyes, like a grotesque bikini runway show modeled by ogres. But not once did I yell “Why can’t you spell? That’s not even a word! Did you pass third grade? Where is your editor!!!” Which, 2024 Tracy said every time the news was on. But this is more tolerant 2025 Tracy and she does not partake in this judgmental behavior.
Suddenly my phone dings, alerting me to a YouTube video sent by a friend. Apparently her 2025 resolution is to rob me of my will to live, because it’s a clip from Wheel of Fortune. The answer was obviously “Give yourself a round of applause.” However, the person guessing the puzzle answered, “Treat yourself a round of sausage”. A round of SAUSAGE? What even is that??? Almost every letter was right on the giant screen in front of you.
Ok, breathe, Tracy. Not everyone is a giant nerd like you are. Phew! That would have been a new record for resolution breakage.
Crisis averted - or so I thought - until the spell check girl who lives in my phone decides to slap me across the face with memories of spelling errors passed. Ones where fashion designers are apparently so fast that they skip letters!
Perhaps it is because I refer to her as Gina, the drunk spellcheck girl from the Jersey Shore, who auto corrects words that were not spelled wrong the moment after I hit send - to words that aren’t even close to what I wrote in the first place?
But I am strong, and I will not yell at the pretend person living in my phone who makes me look bad one text message at a time. Or in the general vicinity of anyone who may call for a wellness check on me.
I bite my tongue until it bleeds and taints the deliciousness of my skinny vanilla latte; a vice that I failed to kick at the commencement of 2017. My restraint is beginning to show signs of weakness, much like a Victoria’s Secret thong being worn by a sumo wrestler.
I need a distraction, so I jump into the car to sing songs written with such blatant disregard for the conventions of grammar that they should have been outlawed by the Geneva Convention. It don’t bother me none, ain’t it?
Until the DJ disturbs my little studio session with a discussion about how ESPN made a huge spelling gaffe during the Fresno State bowl game. They added one little consonant to the Bulldogs name turning an innocent mascot into something that could be sold at the Ecstasy Emporium.
That’s when my resolution shattered faster than Kim Kardashian’s butt broke the internet. I begin shouting to nobody in particular about stupid people and how they should not procreate.
Do you know the difference between their, there and they’re? (Loud Air Horn Sounds) Ooh, so sorry. I just read your last social media post and clearly you do not. Nope, no children for you. Here’s a goldfish. You both have about the same IQ.
The Subaru next to me quickly changes lanes to get away from the crazy lady whose only passengers are a pile of broken resolutions and a need for a session or two of anger management.
Welp, that was not fun while it lasted.
New Year’s resolution for 2026: be more vocal about stupid people because the world is full of them. Trying to ignore all of their idiocy will only push you into a room where you eat a lot of pudding and a rock a tight-fitting hug/jacket. God help us and save us all.
Tracy Winslow is the owner of Low Country Shrimp and Knits - the best yarn store in the Low Country. She earns her grammar stripes calling college students out on their cheating, like when they use pluperfect subjunctive in her kindergarten level Spanish 102 classes. Hopefully their 2025 New Year’s Resolutions are to use less AI when writing their essays. Happy and Judgmental Free New Year to you!
