The flab report

After two months of desperately seeking my thinner self, I’m beginning to understand that there truly is a fine line between stretching and ripping.

I’ve always lived by Mark Twain’s quote: “If you have ignorance and confidence then success is assured…” 

Looks like I’m all set!

As I think back to my historic battles of flab, I fondly remember ‘medium.’ I am of the opinion I’d rather have scales then get weighed on them.

Husband, BBB, likes to say as I dismount graciously “She came, she saw, she almost killed herself!” I admit my earlobes are quite svelte as I type this-something must be working.

I need to revisit the clean-plate club theory that my mother used to bribe me with. Her guilt convinced me that I alone, simply by gobbling down the last morsel on my plate, could single handedly stop starvation. I never even got a membership card.

I wish there were such a thing as the Food Police. Imagine them pulling up to my front door, blue lights flashing and the bull horn blaring “Put the chocolate cake down and step away from the refrigerator!”

Actually, the only part of my body that should be thin are my fingers! They’ve spent hours scrolling down on my phone searching for one of those “you can lose weight” messages. I’ve scoured those ads that say everything I need to drop 80 pounds is in my kitchen cupboards! I spy the baking soda next to the apple cider vinegar and then they instruct me to listen to a video that will solve all my problems-for 2 long hours. 

Which explains why I haven’t cracked that code! Is it oregano? Could the garlic powder be the big secret? Either my friends don’t have an extra couple of hours to scope out the ingredients or they’ve made a deal with the devil and have to go to their grave with the recipe. 

I just read that ICE is the new diet count down. I can be the Queen of Cubes! I grabbed a tall glass and hit the crushed ice button on the fridge - a little oj and vodka could set that right. I rushed up to the bathroom scale and leapt on it. Nope- not quite yet…

I’m going to give this weight loss thing a little more thought. A nice slice of coffee cake and a gooey jelly donut ought to set me on the right path to Slimville!

Danie.connolly@yahoo.com is a writer, playwright, illustrator, and tv producer.